Enjoying Life

It's time to enjoy life. I've been on the hustle for 13 years now and I've finally decided to slow down, check-in, reflect, find me and live with conviction. As counter intuitive as this sounds, slowing down makes me feel anxious. I don't like it. I've been living my life worrying too much and controlling too much. I want it all to fall into place. Into a 'perfect' place. Wrongfully, thinking that there is a right way to live your life. This causes one to always look back and attempt to bring things back as they were but in an improved way. So basically you trick your psyche by saying, "I am a new me now so I need to go back and fix my wrongs". There is no forward motion with this kind of thinking. There's simply a lot of stalling and stagnation. There is no fun. There is no happiness. There is no fulfillment. There is no love. There is no vulnerability to the world to what it has to offer. There is trying to get along with everyone at the cost of not standing for anything ("if you stand for nothing, you'l fall for anything") and end up more confused. Also, you try to paint the perfect picture (I've painted and believe me there is no perfect picture during and in the end result. Actually you never know when you're done a painting, it kinda has no end because you can keep going forever).
All there is then is careful step taking with no trust, no love and a lot of worry. Worry because of fear that'll you end up in a bad situation, fear that you've made the wrong choice, fear that you won't do all that you dream of doing and fear of what others think of you.
This journey is about living with fulfilment. Fulfilment is defined by each person's heart's desires and logical progression. I've been living an unfulfilling and fearful life; a careful life. So where has this type of life style taken me? It's taken me to a place of unhappiness, confusion of my needs and wants, loss of my sense of identity, over thinking and over dramatizing any situation, fear of not fitting in so try to follow a crowd. But none of the crowds are fitting anymore. The crowd that I was trying to make fit for years has caused me to choke and I want to break free. I want to break free of the judgements that I have on things and people and most importantly myself. I want to break free from fear. I want to break free of the perfect picture mindset. Time to do me. Time to have fun. Time to explore and find my own path. All with the help of the Divine of course :)